Finding G

In High School, I chummed with 3 friends and had very little to do with any others. I think this was an effort on my part to reject the friends of my older sister, perhaps to stir her up somewhat. My 3 friends were M (Polish), F (Jewish) and C (Armenian). These girls were about a year younger than I was, having caught up to me in the 6th grade. In that grade, the second time around, I lost a half a roomfull of classmates to Junior High, physically located in the High School building, including my friend N. N lived in the last house on Charles Street with her older brother B, her father and grandmother. They had a barn with a loft full of hay, cows, and a bull. My brother Ernie and I used to go there and jump down into the hay, play Uncle Wiggley together in the house. I liked B and he like me too. He would take my side in any scraps, and Ernie would side with N, N and I entered the first grade together, but by the time we were in the 6th grade, she grew away from me, and I had a new friend V, whose father owned a garage next to M's house on Lincoln Street.

Both beautiful girls, N and V would come down to my house, but mostly I think to flirt with my brothers. Not only was I jealous, I was diminished. And when one day they stood peering into the window when I was having a violin lesson with my brother Leo, they became my enemies. I quit the lessons abruptly, must to the dismay of Leo,who quit teaching me altogether after that. The girls were out to get boys, anyway, and I was not. I liked boys, especially the ones in my classroom and I know they liked me, the way they smiled and touched me, in passing -- nothing sensuous, just friendly-like. Especially G. I think most of the boys in high school were a bit on the shy side too, except for W who knew it all, E who always smiled knowingly but kept pretty much to himself, and A who was left alone pretty much because he was going to become a priest (and he did). Yes, I liked the boys but tried not to show it. The shy ones I left alone and avoided the others as I could. I could not avoid S who walked my way. He was a bit more aggressive, but even with his boldness, he would back off from me and my 3 friends, and say, "I was only kidding." And J, who also walked our way, keeping up a non-threatening conversation. I liked J, and I had the feeling he liked me too -- and it was around this time I was thinking: I wonder who I'll end up marrying? But I knew I wasn't ready yet. Of course there were glances and feelings that were sloughed off and frustrations abated somehow or other by re-directing our conversations and activities. Even at the high school prom I danced only with my brothers and Mr. C our teacher, never with classmates. But they danced anyway with non-shy girls who pretty much led them on. And those boys who were more brazen selected girls whom they had dated before or were still dating.

I could hardly wait to graduate, but at graduation I found myself thinking who? And in my mind, choosing someone I'd want to marry. G, I thought, he'd be the one. And I know he liked me more than anyone else. And so we graduated. Said our goodbyes. And where did he go? Where was he headed? I never asked. And thought to myself -- if it's to be, it will be and I don't have to move anything.

G was brought up on a farm. He'd of course be a farmer. Would he go to college? What college, I wondered. What would he study. He was extremely smart in school. But they called him "Farmer B" I didn't like that name but it didn't bother him in the least. So, where are you now, G? Did you graduate from college? Are you married? I picture you, in charge of a huge farm enterprise somewhere, with a very intelligent wife, raising a grand houseful of children -- all happy. Of course they'd be grown up now, having given you grandchildren. And if they turn out to be like their old happy grandfather I'm sure you'd be, the world would benefit.

So where are you, grandfather G? Just let me know, so I can find you, and we'll have a long, long conversation about those happy but awful high school days.